Forget brain tumours or repetitive strain, today’s youth are so reliant on gadgetry that they will have developed some brand new debilitating conditions by the time they hit middle age. Keep an eye out for one of the following at an Emergency Room near you.
These iconic headphones are everywhere and, as cans of choice for rap stars, sportsmen and douchebags alike, they’re proliferating at an alarming rate. Each incarnation is larger than the last and recent models have earphones the size of dinner plates. With all this weight pushing down on the skull, regular wearers will soon develop an indentation under the headband. Ultimately, as this deepens, higher brain functions will be affected, resulting in the mental acuity of a present day English soccer player. Much safer to use the in-ear type such as these Skullcandy Titans and, to be brutally honest, you’ll look less of a dick.
This will be the younger generation’s Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Years of using thumbs to type, swipe and tap everything from messages to birds will eventually result in the joints wearing out. The inability to grip anything will be bad news for fans of the Nintendo Wii, but sales of the Fleshlight will go through the roof!
OFFLINE ANXIETY SYNDROME
Recent studies have shown that teenagers who are deprived of their smartphones become agitated and aggressive within a couple of hours. All right, as they are teenagers, even more agitated and aggressive. As their entire social life becomes reliant on these devices, it won’t be long before even the briefest of Wifi outages triggers mass suicide.
OS IDENTITY DISORDER
This condition exists today as Gender Identity Disorder, where the sufferer feels they are in the wrong body. In the future, it’s not inconceivable that our children may appear content with using Internet Explorer, but all the time their frail psyche is crying out for a go on Safari. Fortunately, unlike GID where the only true cure is the rather extreme sex change operation, you should be able to sort OID out with a trip to the Apple store.
SPELLCHECK DRONE ATTACK
Governments are using technology more and more in their ‘war against terror’, and many a wrongdoer has met an unfortunate end because they used a mobile phone. However, advances in surveillance techniques mean it won’t be long before the security services are able to intercept messages as they are being typed. Spellcheck has already closed two schools in the US after it changed the word ‘gunna’ to ‘gunman’. With the number of drones orbiting the skies on the increase, next time the iPhone changes ‘Allan’ to ‘Allah’ someone’s going to get a Hellfire missile down their throat.