Bored with safe, pleasant bedroom normality? Fancy setting sail for new pleasures and exotic rituals? Then climb aboard: FHM has the map, although you’ll need an open-minded, ideally female shipmate…
In the old days, being an explorer was tough. If you didn’t drown or get marooned on an iceberg by your mutinous crew, chances were you’d be eaten by cannibals. And these days, it’s even worse. Book a holiday off the beaten track, and you’re asking to get kidnapped by the Mujahideen, ripped off by street vendors or bummed to death by an Aussie truck driver with a grudge against hitchhikers. In short, you’d be better off staying at home. Luckily, this forced domesticity is a good thing. Because it’s in your own home – or, to be more precise, your own bedroom – that the more important exploration should be taking place. For no matter how happy you are with your sex life now, one day you’ll get stuck in a rut. You’ll look at your girlfriend and realise that every time you two do the horizontal tango, you’re going through the same fumbling routine of foreplay, the same three or four positions. Eventually, even your orgasms will begin to feel… well, boring.
The answer? You’ll have to set sail into uncharted sexual waters and try out some things you’d never have considered before. And you’ll have to be as bold as a Columbus or a Magellan: some of them will seem extremely kinky. A few will feel illegal. But only by attempting these new manoeuvres will you keep the vital sense of adventure in your sex life.
To get you started, simply identify those sexual practices you enjoy in the list that follows, then progress to the next level of sauciness. If that floats your boat, then you might even consider the extreme third option – though you’ll need a strong stomach. And a “shipmate” who’s up for anything…
IF YOU ALREADY LIKE… DOING IT OUTDOORS
Then try…
Making things a little riskier. As you are clearly already turned on by the danger of getting caught, there are several ways to make that adrenalin pump even faster. In your local park, for example, you can have sex on the swings, behind the hanging branches of a willow tree, or up against the iron railings. It’s best to go for the quickie position here: hike up her skirt, pull down your trousers and grip the bars for extra thrusting power. To increase the ante further, you can even tie your partner to the railings while you have sex. Just don’t use a chain and padlock, as Murphy’s law dictates you’re bound to drop the key and be fumbling in the dark as the security oke comes running over with an angry Alsatian.
You might even consider…
Not always waiting for the hours of darkness. There’s the office bogs, the disabled loo at a restaurant, in traffic… Just don’t call us for bail if you get arrested.
IF YOU ALREADY LIKE… WEARING RIBBED DOMES TO INCREASE YOUR PARTNER’S SEXUAL AROUSAL
Then try…
Improving the design by making the surface even more knobbly. You can slide objects like Tic-Tacs or those silver cake decorations down the side of the condom once it’s on. It’ll make your dick look like it’s been attacked by wasps, but a pimped-out sheath has two advantages. Firstly, it’ll add some welcome girth to your beast, and secondly, once you start shagging, the balls will gently move around, causing pleasant rippling sensations on the wall of her vagina. Make sure you stick to spherical inserts though – anything sharper than a Smartie will cut the delicate rubber of the condom and you’ll have to spend ten minutes fishing stuff out of her.
You might even consider…
Rather than having to bulk up every individual condom, you could instead get a professional body modifier to implant things under the skin of your penis. Tribes in Asia used to make small cuts in their Johnsons and sew stones inside. Some even used small bells, so their willies would clang and tinkle while they were humping. In modern times, Yakuza gangsters in Japan will sew a pearl into their foreskins for every year they’ve spent in jail, until the dick looks like a tiny pink stegosaurus. Mind you, they also cut off their little fingers for minor infractions of etiquette. Bear that in mind if you absent-mindedly leave the toilet seat up.
IF YOU ALREADY LIKE… TAKING PHOTOS OF EACH OTHER DURING SEX
Then try…
Arousing each other by sending pics and vids throughout the day, not just when you’re together. Using a webcam or camera phone means you could be broadcasting sexual images to each other 24/7. If she’s at work, she can be sitting without panties on at her desk and beaming a video feed as she touches her lady-bits. Similarly, you could download stills of last night’s boning session and have them emailed to her private address. A quick nip to the internet café at lunchtime and she’ll be able to stoke the fires of her lust, ready for you to douse them with your hose when she gets home later.
You might even consider…
The practice known as “furtling” – simply cut a hole in a photograph from a magazine and put your penis through it. Depending on the picture you’ve chosen, the viewer (hopefully your lady, not a bus full of school kids…) will be greeted with the sight of a penis coming out of a model’s mouth like an elephant’s trunk. Or, alternatively, emerging from her stomach like the creature in Alien. If you’re feeling exceptionally surreal, you can have your wang bursting out of anything from hedges, to ads for stair-lifts, to buildings. Whatever turns you on. We’re not here to judge.
IF YOU ALREADY LIKE… SENSUAL MASSAGES
Then try…
Using something more inventive than your palm. If you look around your house, you’ll find enough spanking tools to keep the sadistic headmaster at your old high school happy. When combined with a rubdown, a few soft (note: soft) blows from a slipper or ping-pong bat will increase the blood flow to the surface of the skin, making the nerve ends more sensitive during sex. For the best results, use the bristles of a hairbrush to scratch and smack her buttocks.
You might even consider…
Inunction – a fetish in which couples cover themselves with oil then roll around. The most popular lubricant in swinging California in the Seventies was cooking oil, but for a nicer aroma choose cocoa butter cream – and maybe put a plastic cover over the bed. Once you’re lathered up, you can alternate the sliding with some corporal punishment. Serious fans will even don special massage gloves, fitted with rubber points like a hedgehog, and use them to enhance the contrast between pleasure and pain.
IF YOU ALREADY LIKE… TYING EACH OTHER UP
Then try…
Making a sex chair. You don’t need to be Die Nutsman to pull this off. Get a decent chair from a furniture shop and add a few modifications. You’ll need a drill and some screws to attach a pair of those fur-lined handcuffs they sell in sex shops and a few hooks to wrap ties or belts around. Put a cushion down to keep your beloved’s rump comfy, then prepare to play all sorts of kidnapper/hostage games. If you swop places, you’ll even be able to find out how long you’d last in an Iraqi hostage situation…
You might even consider…
Mummification. Don’t worry, you don’t need a pyramid to try this – just a girl you really, really trust. You strip naked, then she wraps you head to toe in cling film or bandages, making sure you can breathe. Once you’re immobile, she snips a hole round your privates and spends as long as she likes playing with her own sex slave. Deprived of movement or sight, your penis will be extra-alert to her ministrations. To see how wrong this can go, read FHM issue 90 (June 2007), page 84. Like we said – a girl you really, really trust!
‘Darling, why are you dressed like Sir Francis Drake?’ Fancy taking this sexplorer metaphor too far? Make love like an actual explorer…
Lara Croft
Dress her in some tight shorts and thigh holsters to conjure the buxom heroine. For added fetishism, have her walk repeatedly into the same bit of wall! Yummy!
Indiana Jones
Daub her clitoris with gold paint, crouch over her, hands flexing tantalisingly, and finger her “Inca idol”. Or switch it for a sand bag and get betrayed by Alfred Molina.
Allan Quatermain
Like H Rider Haggard’s fictional hero, prove your marksmanship as you gently explore her “King Solomon’s Mine” with your trusty elephant gun.
Article Source: FHM
