SA's #1 online store for men brings you Manist - a hand picked collection of interesting and cool articles for today's man

Relationship Insecurities And The Mistakes You’re Already Making

0

Having recently lefts the ranks of singledom (i.e. seduction and pickup) and finding myself in a serious relationship has meant that I’m having to learn quite a few new things about myself, and how I operate. No longer is there a “me” but now quite importantly an “us” which means I’m not only rationalising and exploring my own thoughts but also having to figure out those of my now better half.

One of the most important things I have found from being in a serious relationship (after quite some time mind you) is that you can never sit back and expect the course of true love to run smoothly. By this I mean there is effort needed to keep things fun, happy, interesting, unpredictable but also (and most importantly) to look at how you (both) handle things through the challenges and through tough times – this will define you and make you a more lovable and better person to your other and those around you.

In order to have your relationship flourish, make the effort and invest in yourself, take the time to read a few books or articles (i.e. the classic Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) to help you better understand how fundamentally different you two actually are and how that creates such incredible passion but by the same token may also lead to a string of arguments and upheaval – leaving the women feeling “why doesn’t listen to what I’m saying” and the men thinking “why is she constantly trying to change me”. For example, where women are faced with a problem, they deal with it by talking through it (chatting with a loved one or close friend) and by getting opinions from those around them – this is their method and it works for them. Men prefer to internalise their problems and rationalise the solutions with little emotion involved, and have the “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” mentality – which may seem to the women as non-caring or inconsiderate however is just our way of dealing with it.

Another major factor in a bounding partnership is that of security, being secure about yourself (i.e. self-confidence , self-respect and high esteem), security in your partner (trust and loyalty) and security in your relationship (knowing that together that you are greater than any problem or issue).

Without this security one may start to see doubts slowly creep in, doubt of your other’s commitment to you and doubt of your offering to them (i.e. what am I contributing / giving to him/her and this relationship, and is it enough?). These insecurities then begin to take over what should actually be thoughts of happiness whilst thinking of your lover, and are slowly replaced with doubt and the need for constant re-assurance (of love and commitment) from your partner.

The Independent You Is Very Attractive

One of the major reasons I’ve fallen in love with my girlfriend is her incredible and undeniable independence. She is a highly ambitious, self driven and a successful women of the 21st century. And I’m not just talking about her career, she is independent in the sense that she will make up her own mind, will not tolerate 2nd rate behaviour from men and will tell them exactly where to get off if she needs to, plus she also lives her life outside of our relationship as well (i.e. socialising with her own friends etc) – which is very important for both parties in that it keeps you a well rounded social citizen outside of Loverville.

Where the problem lies is when these outside interests start to dwindle and one party becomes too engrossed in the time spent together, and their focus is to only go out with or to spend every waking moment with the other partner, and issues of why “not enough time is spent together” will start to arise, resulting in a feeling of suffocation (for the other) coming about.

Neuro-Association of Insecurity

Although sounding like an advanced clinical term only pencil-pushing anal whitecoat-wearing researchers would use, Neuro-association is the effect something will have on your brain and thought process. As the insecurities heighten, constant reassurance is needed from the other partner , which will in effect lead to the other partner starting to think “I keep reassuring, but nothing is sinking in”. What is happening is that the mere thought (of the other partner) is bringing on feelings of insecurity and the need for constant reassurance – soon through repetition you (and your brain) start to associate thoughts and that very person, with feelings of insecurity and inadequacy.

To counter this, when those feelings of insecurity (for any reason) come about to step outside of the down spiralling thought process and say to yourself “ok, I’m feeling this way but what is the underlying reason?” and try and work through those, for example:

Feeling of:

Inadequacy (insecurity)

Underlying Feeling:

You may be feeling this through lack of self-esteem i.e. you’re not “valuable” in your own eyes so how could some else see me as valuable (or love me).

Solution:

Look into get a few self-esteem books and articles (i.e. Paul Mckenna’s: Change Your Life in 7 Days) or consider self-help hypnosis audio programs (http://www.instant-hypnosis.com/)

Feeling of:

Jealousy

Underlying Feeling:

Some may get jealous at the mere sight of their partner talking to another man or women and whilst a little controllable jealousy is actually healthy as it can help you realise and reconfirm your loving feelings and appreciation for that other person. It’s the angry jealousy that spins you into a fit of rage that is dangerous and should be looked at.

Solution:

Trust in your partner, and (provided they have the same respect for you) realise that they would never willingly jeopardise what you have together. Additionally this also relates back so self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy i.e. “what if s/he decides to end up with that person they’re talking to, that’s better looking or more interesting than I am” have a look at the previous point for advice on this.

Real Life Example: Without me knowing (until the next morning), my girlfriend the other evening went out with a few friends to a cocktail bar to have bit of fun. She decided to go out razzling when she thought that I didn’t want to chat and was too tired for us to go out for the evening– and so took it upon herself to take charge of the situation and have a bit of fun without me. Now, upon receiving the text message lesser men would have probably got a bit angry and perhaps felt a bit jealous and wondered who exactly she went out with and would start asking all sorts of questions. I however had to think to myself “shouldn’t I be feeling jealous and angry with this” but I didn’t, I was actually proud and pleasantly surprised that she took that initiative to go out and have fun with her friends – which meant I could get much needed rest and some “me” time. This is a similar mindset you should adopt.

Once you begin to be self-aware and realise when these feelings are creeping in you can step back and think through them rationally and realise how your own insecurities may be clouding your judgment and may be harming your relationship, and then overcome them.

It’s important whilst in a relationship to always be the very person you are i.e. your true self (the very person people fall in love with), by this I mean you need still go out with your friends, still make time for yourself to read, exercise, visit relatives or take part in a hobby – whatever it may be. You still need to be independent, hold your integrity and never tolerate second class behaviour from anyone. And then when you find yourself together, appreciate and cherish those times and find happiness in sharing and creating incredible memories together – that’s where all the fun lies and is what makes being in a meaningful and committed relationship that much more fulfilling.

Share.

About Author

Lover of gadgets, men's culture, cool stuff, Earl Grey tea and all things manly. An optimist in his prime. When he's not keeping the wheels turning at Mantality HQ you'll find him trawling the web, and visiting trade shows to find the newest and coolest gadgets. During his down time he's usually with his 2 dogs, on the golf course, cycling or basking in the literary company of Oscar Wilde, Bret Easton Ellis or Martin Amis whilst drinking espresso strong enough to strip paint.

Anything to add?