Sexytime Through the Ages

© By Jack744 for Mantality.co.za

From time immemorial, religious leaders and parents have been warning teenagers about the perils of self-pleasure. These tales of blindness and hairy palms do nothing to stop the average male expending enough energy to power Brazil, but it is several years before he is mature enough to see the nay-sayers for what they really are: fucking hypocrites. Ever since man evolved an opposable thumb, he’s been using it to make Jesus sad. As a tool-maker, he’s also been busy making the act more pleasurable for his own tool, in ways like these:

The Sex Doll

These days, most dolls aren’t used for their intended purpose, doomed instead to be passed around a stag party until burst by a careless cigarette. It wasn’t always that way, though. The original dolls started life in the French and Spanish navies as ‘fornication aids’, to the relief of many a cabin boy. Obviously, the dolls were very basic, having been made by sewing rags together. They were unkempt, dry and irritating, so it was probably like sharing the journey with Courtney Love. Years later, with the invention of plastic, came the ubiquitous inflatable doll; instantly recognisable by the permanent look of surprise on her face. This lack of realism has always been a problem with sex dolls, but not anymore. For those with more money than dignity, there are so-called ‘Real Dolls‘ that are custom made from a special latex. They’re essentially memory foam mattresses with a couple of orifices drilled in but, even so, they can look eerily lifelike.

Condoms

For centuries, man has known that a) more babies = fewer gadgets and, b) it’s no use to anyone if it drops off. The best way to stop either happening was to give the old chap some kind of protective cover, and thus the condom was, ahem, born. Early examples were made from cloth, with predictable results, followed by animal skin or intestines. Technological advances and the advent of AIDS mean that condoms are now far more widespread, safer and much cheaper than before. They come in all shapes and sizes, and some even have raised bumps and ridges to enhance each other’s pleasure. Yes, they get bad press for being inconvenient but, in today’s world, not only can they save you a fortune, they might just save your life.

The Cock Ring

This sex aid has been around for over a thousand years, which proves that beer and ugly women are not just recent phenomena. Allegedly a Chinese invention, it works the same way as a self-sealing ice cube bag. Pop the ring on and the intake of blood will eventually build up enough pressure to prevent any getting back out, giving longer-lasting erections. If that floats your boat, you can buy a modern version here. Just be sure you know how to take it off BEFORE you use it, unless you fancy a trip to the emergency room!

The Jar Of Chopped Liver

This almost certainly started as an urban legend but, with the Internet proliferating the ‘method’, it’s hard to believe that someone, somewhere, hasn’t made it a self-fulfilling prophecy. The close proximity of glass and heat to a sensitive organ is asking for trouble and isn’t recommended at all. However, for those who feel they have to stick their dick into something, why not try the Sex-in-a-Can? It’s safe, feels great and is considerably less embarrassing than being caught shagging tonight’s dinner.