The Modern Man’s Bucket List


© By Jack744 for

For anyone who has seen The Bucket List, starring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson, we’re sorry. That’s two hours you aren’t getting back. However, should you find out that your life is coming to a premature end, what to do with the time remaining? Many people take the well-trodden path to the Pyramids or Grand Canyon, but what’s the point when the views are only a mouse-click away? It’s true that pictures cannot capture the full might of these wonders, but the brain adapts to the real thing within five minutes anyway. When time is so precious, you’re missing nothing.

Instead, why not lead the Grim Reaper a merry dance through these five activities? They involve sex, adrenaline, alcohol, food and sport; everything that is dear to a man’s heart, in doses large enough to make it explode. Far from fearing the Reaper, anyone who manages this lot will be praying He catches up!


Situated in the picturesque Czech city of Prague, Big Sister ** (warning: adult imagery, not work friendly) is a brothel renowned for shunning the usual ‘punter-pays-prostitute’ business model. Customers go with any of the stunning girls without paying a single penny. Not a cent. In return for a key to the candy store, though, they must agree to be filmed, and the whole thing is streamed online. This could be mortally embarrassing in the wrong hands but, if you only have months left, who cares?


During the final stages of some illnesses, patients are unable to eat solids. With that in mind, what better culinary swan song is there than the World’s Largest Burger? This McMonster was created in California, tipping the scales at an amazing 352kg. That’s the equivalent of three grown men, or one Kirstie Alley. Obviously, it’s a bit ripe now (the burger, not Kirstie), but there’s no reason the next record attempt shouldn’t be for a different charity, i.e. you. If so, best have some Emergency Toilet Roll on hand for the inevitable aftermath.


Oktoberfest is the most famous beer festival on the planet, and an obvious choice for any fan of liquid gold and wenches’ bosoms. However, unlike most of the other revellers, a Bucket Lister’s liver will soon be of little use. When the darkness ultimately closes in, it’d be a shame if there was still room left for another beer or two.


Following the collapse of the Soviet Union, a vast number of high-ranking military men watched their pensions evaporate overnight. Rather than take it lying down, they just took everything, from AK-47’s all the way up to nuclear submarines. As a result, places like Migs Over Moscow now exist, where those with enough money can burn up the skies in Mach 3 fighter jets. Of course, the aircraft are subject to Russian maintenance and, as such, it’d be wise to keep this essential piece of equipment where the parachute used to be.


As sporting spectacles go, there can be none as huge as the Superbowl. Unfortunately, since the money men got hold of it, there can be none as awful either. Although the 2011 halftime show, featuring the Black Eyed Peas, was indeed a sensory overload, so is sticking one’s head into a steaming pile of shit. Next time, bring the Bucket List to a heroic conclusion by invading the pitch mid-show. Just before the drunken American hordes tear you limb from limb, chuck this Sonic Grenade at the performers. Naturally, hearing damage can result from excessive exposure to loud, repetitive sounds, but this little beauty ought to drown out even the Peas!


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