500+ Masturbating Euphemisms


Have you ever been around the dinner table with family, or enjoying a friendly chat with a complete stranger, talking to your child’s teacher or even during a job interview, and found yourself struggling to find another phrase to use for “masturbating“? I’m sure you have, haven’t we all. The following is a rather comprehensive list of alternatives you could possibly use, so you never find yourself in that prickly situation ever again. Remember to submit any that we’ve missed in the comment field at the bottom of the page.

  1. A date with Palmela Handerson
  2. Acting out the grapes of wrath
  3. Backing your fist
  4. Bang yourself
  5. Beat the beaver
  6. Beating my meat
  7. Beating the bishop
  8. Bop the bolony
  9. Choking the chicken
  10. Clap your clit
  11. Clean the bean
  12. Clicking the mouse
  13. Dating Hannie Palmer
  14. Diddle my skittle#
  15. Diddling
  16. Donald trump firing his apprentice
  17. Double clicking the mouse
  18. Fiction friction
  19. Fire off some knuckle-children
  20. Five finger shuffle
  21. Flickin’ the kitten
  22. Flicking the bean
  23. Flog the dolphin
  24. Fucking yourself
  25. Getting trigger happy
  26. Going fishing with the man in the boat
  27. Going to the palm prom
  28. Greasin’ the gash
  29. Hand to gland combat
  30. Having a knee trembler
  31. Hit the slit
  32. Hitchhike To The Sky
  33. Holding your sausage hostage
  34. Indiana Jones finding a sweet dig
  35. Jacking off
  36. Jerkin the gerkin
  37. Jerking off
  38. Jibber jab
  39. Jilling off
  40. Let the beaver swim
  41. Lubing the tube
  42. Making it snow
  43. Making my girl happy
  44. Making stomach pancakes
  45. Milking the cow
  46. One handed baseball
  47. Painting the ceiling
  48. Pet the poodle
  49. Petting the kitty
  50. Playing air guitar naked
  51. Playing pocket pool
  52. Playing tug of war with the cyclops
  53. Pole dancing
  54. Polishing the pearl
  55. Pumping the keg
  56. Revving the engine
  57. Roughing up the suspect
  58. Rub the nub
  59. Rubbing one out
  60. Rubbing Rob Reiner
  61. Ruin your eyesight
  62. Scrach and sniff
  63. Scraping off the scabs
  64. Scratch n’ sniff
  65. Shake and steak
  66. Shuffle your Ipod
  67. Slam the clam
  68. Slapping the salami
  69. Slicking Willie
  70. Spanking the monkey
  71. Spinnin’ a record
  72. Squishing the squidgie
  73. Stroking it
  74. Stroking the one-eyed snake
  75. Taking care of my business
  76. Tapping the wookie on the head
  77. Thinking of your mom
  78. Tick the taco
  79. Tickle your pickle
  80. Turning Japanese
  81. Two-finger tango
  82. Visit from the five-fingered aunty
  83. Visiting Rosy Palms and her five sisters
  84. Walking the dog
  85. Wax on, whack off
  86. Whippin off a batch
  87. Wrestling the one eyed monster
  88. Abusing the wicked stick
  89. Adjusting the antenna
  90. Aiding and abetting a known felon
  91. Applying the hand brake
  92. Arguing with Henry Longfellow
  93. Arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel
  94. Attack the one-eyed purple-headed warrior
  95. Audition your hand puppet
  96. Backstroke roulette
  97. Badgering the witness
  98. Barking up the wrong tree
  99. Bash the candle
  100. Basting the ham
  101. Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger
  102. Being rough with the sex stick
  103. Be your own best friend
  104. Beat the bishop
  105. Beat the bologna
  106. Beat the dummy
  107. Beat the meat
  108. Beat the pud
  109. Beat the stick
  110. Beat up your date
  111. Beef tips stroking off
  112. Bleed the weed
  113. Blow your own horn
  114. Bludgeon the beefsteak
  115. Bop the bologna
  116. Bop the bonzo
  117. Box the Jesuit
  118. Box with Richard
  119. Brushing up on your typing skills
  120. Buff the banana
  121. Bugger your hand
  122. Building upper-body strength
  123. Burp the baby
  124. Burp the worm
  125. Butter the corn
  126. Calling down for more mayo
  127. Calling in the secret service
  128. Caning the vandal
  129. Caulking the cracks in the bathroom tile
  130. Charm the snake
  131. Check for testicular cancer
  132. Cheese off
  133. Choke Kojak
  134. Choke the chicken
  135. Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come
  136. Clamp the pipe
  137. Clean your rifle
  138. Cleaning out your account
  139. Clear the snorkel
  140. Climb the tree
  141. Closet Frisbee
  142. Combing the hair on your bald pig Sally
  143. Combing your hair
  144. Communing with nature
  145. Consulting with your silent partner
  146. Corral your tadpole
  147. Couch hockey for one
  148. Crank the love pump
  149. Crank the shank
  150. Crimp the wire
  151. Crown the king
  152. Crushing pop cans in the dark
  153. Cuddle the kielbasa
  154. Cuff the carrot
  155. Daisy-chaining
  156. Dancing in the dragon’s fiery breath
  157. Dancing with the one-eyed sailor
  158. Date Miss Michigan
  159. Date Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters
  160. Date Rosie Palm and her five sisters
  161. Debugging the hard drive
  162. Defrosting the fridge
  163. Digital penile oscillation
  164. Discovering your own potential
  165. Distributing free literature
  166. Do handiwork
  167. Do it your way
  168. Do the janitor thing
  169. Do the white knuckler
  170. Doing your homework
  171. Drain the monster
  172. Dry humping the ottoman
  173. Eating grapes with the one-armed man
  174. Electing the President
  175. Engage in safe sex
  176. Exercise one’s right
  177. Exercising your right to privacy
  178. Fastening the chin strap on the helmet of love
  179. Feed the ducks
  180. Feeding bologna to the Smurfs
  181. Feeling your way around
  182. Fiddle the flesh flute
  183. Firing the pound gun
  184. Fishing with dynamite
  185. Fist your mister
  186. Five knuckle shuffle
  187. Flick your Bic
  188. Fling your phallus
  189. Flip the bishop
  190. Flipping your omelet
  191. Flog the bishop
  192. Flog the dolphin
  193. Flog the dong
  194. Flog the log
  195. Flog the mule
  196. Flogging the egg man
  197. Fly fishing
  198. Fondle your flagpole
  199. Free Willy
  200. Frost the pastries
  201. Frosting your maple bar
  202. Frying up the corndog
  203. Gallop the old lizard
  204. Gardening with the golden trowel
  205. Genital stimulation via phallengetic motion
  206. Get a date with Slick Mittens
  207. Get the German soldier marching
  208. Get to know yourself
  209. Get your pole varnished
  210. Give it a tug
  211. Give your low five
  212. Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money
  213. Go a couple of rounds with ol’ Josh
  214. Go blind
  215. Go on a date with Fisty Palmer
  216. Go on a date with Handrea and Palmela
  217. Go the blow
  218. Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader’s head
    Submitted by Jake W.
  219. Goose the gherkin
  220. Grease the pipe
  221. Greasing the three-legged cow
  222. Hand job
  223. Hard labor
  224. Have one off the wrist
  225. Helping put Mr. Kleenex’s kids through college
  226. Hitchhike to heaven
  227. Hitchhike underneath the big top
  228. Hitting too close to home
  229. Hoisting your own petard
  230. Hold the bishop
  231. Hold the sausage hostage
  232. Holding your own
  233. Hone the cone
  234. Honk your horn
  235. Hosing down the driveway
  236. Hotfooting it to the nearest exit
  237. Hug the hog
  238. Hump your hose
  239. Investing in pork bellies
  240. Invoking the Oscar Meyer love spell
  241. Jack hammer
  242. Jazz yourself
  243. Jerk Jamby
  244. Jerk the gherkin
  245. Left to your own devices
  246. Letting the cat out of the bag
  247. Liquidating the inventory
  248. Locking the bathroom door
  249. Look for ticks
  250. Looking for clues with Fred and Daphne
  251. Lope the mule
  252. Love the Muppet
  253. Love’s labors lost
  254. Lubricating the love monkey
  255. Make a foreskin cone
  256. Make instant pudding
  257. Make the bald man puke
  258. Making a cash withdrawal
  259. Making chowder with sailor Ned
  260. Making it up as you go along
  261. Making magic with leftovers
  262. Making soup
  263. Making the bald man cry
  264. Making the bread rise
  265. Making the world safe for democracy
  266. Mangle the midget
  267. Manipulate the mango
  268. Manual labor
  269. Manual override
  270. Master Bacon, meet Rosie Hancock
  271. Meat with Mother Thumb and her four daughters
  272. Milk the lizard
  273. Milk the moose
  274. Milk the self
  275. Mount a corporal and four
  276. Much goo about nothing
  277. Nerk your throbber
  278. Null the void
  279. Oil the glove
  280. Onan’s olympics
  281. One gun salute
  282. One man band
  283. One-night-stand with yourself
  284. Opening the flood gates
  285. Pack your palm
  286. Paddle the pickle
  287. Paint the ceiling
  288. Paint the pickle
  289. Painting the flag pole
  290. Painting the picket fence
  291. Palm the calm
  292. Paying at the turnpike
  293. Peel the banana
  294. Perform diagnostics on your man tool
  295. Pet the lizard
  296. Pip the pumpkin
  297. Play a little five-on-one
  298. Play a one-stringed guitar
  299. Play five against one
  300. Play in a one-man show
  301. Play peek-a-boo
  302. Play pocket pinball
  303. Play pocket pool
  304. Play tag with the pink torpedo
  305. Play the skin flute
  306. Play tug-o-war with Cyclops
  307. Play Uno
  308. Playing it safe
  309. Playing the one-stringed melody
  310. Playing the single-string air guitar
  311. Plugging in the toaster
  312. Plunk your twanger
  313. Polish Percy in your palm
  314. Polish the family jewels
  315. Polish the helmet
  316. Polish the rocket
  317. Polish the rock-hard staff of St. Peter
  318. Polish the sword
  319. Pound off
  320. Pound the bald-headed moose
  321. Pound the pud
  322. Pound your flounder
  323. Pounding the fence post
  324. Prepare the carrot
  325. Prime the pump
  326. Pull rank
  327. Pull the bologna pony
  328. Pull the carrot
  329. Pull the goalie
  330. Pull the pole
  331. Pull the Pope
  332. Pull the pud
  333. Pull your own leg
  334. Pull your taffy
  335. Pulling your own weight
  336. Pulling yourself up by your own bootstrap
  337. Pump the python
  338. Pump the stump
  339. Punch the clown
  340. Punch the munchkin
  341. Punish Percy in your palm
  342. Putting your best foot forward
  343. Putting your foot down
  344. Putting your thumb in the porridge
  345. Raining on your parade
  346. Ram the ham
  347. Relishing your hot dog
  348. Riding the five-legged pony
  349. Roll your own
  350. Rolling it off the lot
  351. Romeo and himself
  352. Rope the pony
  353. Rope the Pope
  354. Rub one out
  355. Rub the pink eraser
  356. Rubbing Buddha’s tummy
  357. Run off a batch by hand
  358. Sacrifice sperm to the god of lonely nights
  359. Safest sex
  360. Sailing the mayonnaise seas
  361. Saluting the general
  362. Sampling the secret sauce
  363. Sand wood
  364. Scour the tower of power
  365. Scraping the bottom of the barrel
  366. Scratch the itch
  367. Screwing your courage to the sticking place
  368. Secret handshake
  369. Self abuse
  370. Self-induced penile regurgitation
  371. Sex with someone you really love
  372. Shake hands with Abe Lincoln
  373. Shake hands with the midget
  374. Shake hands with the unemployed
  375. Shake hands with your John Thomas
  376. Shake hands with your wife’s best friend
  377. Shake hands with Yul Brynner
  378. Shake the sauce
  379. Shake the sausage
  380. Shake the snake
  381. Shaking hands with Dr. Winky
  382. Shellac the shillelagh
  383. Shemp the hog
  384. Shift gears
  385. Shine the helmet
  386. Shine your pole
  387. Shoot for the moon
  388. Shoot putty at the moon
  389. Shoot the airplane
  390. Shooting yourself in the foot
  391. Shuck your corn
  392. Sizing things up
  393. Slam the ham
  394. Slam the salami
  395. Slam the salmon
  396. Slam the Spam
  397. Slap high fives with Yul Brynner
  398. Slap it
  399. Slap pappy
  400. Slap the carrot
  401. Slap the clown
  402. Slap the donkey
  403. Slap the purple-headed yogurt pistol
  404. Slap the salami
  405. Slapping Johnny on the back
  406. Sling the jelly
  407. Smack the salami
  408. Smiting the pink knight
  409. Snap the monkey
  410. Snap the rubber
  411. Snap the whip
  412. Solo flight
  413. Solo marathon
  414. Solo sex
  415. Spank Elvis
  416. Spank the bishop
  417. Spank the frank
  418. Spank the monkey
  419. Spank the salami
  420. Spank the wank
  421. Spanking the rooster
  422. Spending your Christmas bonus
  423. Squeeze the cheese
  424. Squeeze the juice
  425. Squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube
  426. Squeeze your cheese-dog
  427. Squeezing the happy lumberjack
  428. Stewing in your own juices
  429. Stinky pinky
  430. Stir the batter
  431. Stir the yogurt
  432. Strain the main vein
  433. Straining your cabbage
  434. Stretching the truth
  435. Strip-mining with the spaghetti man
  436. Stroke the carrot
  437. Stroke the mole
  438. Stroke the one-eyed burping gecko
  439. Stroke the satin-headed serpent
  440. Stroke your poker
  441. Stroke your Twinkie
  442. Strumming the one-string harp
  443. Take matters into your own hands
  444. Take part in population control
  445. Take the fifth
  446. Take the monster for a one-armed ride
  447. Taking a few practice shots
  448. Taking a load off
  449. Talk quietly to yourself
  450. Tame the shrew
  451. Taunt the one-eyed weasel
  452. Teaching the Cyclops the lambada
  453. Tease the weenie
  454. Tenderize the tube steak
  455. Tending to your own affairs
  456. Test your batteries
  457. That crazy hand jive
  458. Thrash your thing
  459. Thump the pump
  460. Thump your thong
  461. Tickle the ivory
  462. Tickle the pickle
  463. Tickle the taco
  464. Ticklewigglejigglepickle
  465. Tipping off the inspector
  466. Toss the snag
  467. Toss the turkey
  468. Toss yogurt
  469. Tug the slug
  470. Twang the wire
  471. Tweak your Twinkie
  472. Twist your crank
  473. Unleashing the alabaster yak
  474. Unloading the gun
  475. Unpacking the moving van
  476. Varnish the flagpole
  477. Varnishing the banister
  478. Visiting with Papa Smurf
  479. Wake the dead
  480. Walk the dog
  481. Walk the plank
  482. Walking a mile in Mr. Wiggly’s shoes
  483. Wallowing in self pity
  484. Wank with the one-eyed wonder weasel
  485. Wash the meat
  486. Wax the Buick
  487. Wax the carrot
  488. Wax the dolphin
  489. Waxin’ n’ Milkin’
  490. Whack it
  491. Whack the weasel
  492. Whack Willy
  493. Whip the dummy
  494. Whip the one-eyed trouser snake
  495. Whip the one-eyed worm
  496. Whip the rat
  497. Whip the stiff
  498. Whip the wire
  499. Whip up some sour cream
  500. Whip your dripper
  501. Whitewashing with Huck and Tom
  502. Whittle the stick
  503. Wiggling your walrus
  504. Windsurf on Mount Baldy
  505. Wonk your conker
  506. Work things out
  507. Working at your own speed
  508. Working late at the office
  509. Working up a foamy lather
  510. Working without Annette
  511. Wrestle the dragon
  512. Wrestle the eel
  513. Wrestling with the bald champ
  514. Wring out your rope
  515. Wrist aerobics
  516. Yank the crank
  517. Yank the yo-yo
  518. Yank your plank
  519. Evicting the testicular squatters

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  5. Yes, because when speaking eith my child’s teacher (one of the example scenarios in the intro), I would feel much better saying “fucking yourself” than utter the word “masturbate”…

    *rolls eyes*

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  7. One that was used back before the 1970’s that Bruce ‘The Boss’ Springsteen used when he wrote, “Blinded By The Light” (yes it appears in Manfred Mann’s Earth Band’s version; no the entire song is not about male masturbation but yes The Boss wrote much of it when he was about his teens — and even into his 20’s — so it would have come up in his lyrics about him growing up and then early years trying to break into the recording industry). This was back when men wore hats more often. The concept of the hat was sort of both the gratification and relieve after a man cums:
    “Pumping you way into your hat” or “Pumping his way into his hat”

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